It was never about me

This week has brought with it some interesting realizations. Right now, I’m currently half way done with my internship at Mountain View Rehab in Phoenix. I love the people there so much and am learning more than I could have ever hoped for, yet like every internship, it has it’s challenges. Questions like “Do my co workers like me?”, “Am I doing this or that right?”,” How can I improve?”, and “Why can’t i get it right?” bombard my thoughts daily. On top of that, I am studying for a my boards that are coming up in January and am feeling very ill prepared despite my best efforts to study daily. It’s even gotten to the point where all I dream about is physical therapy and test taking. On top of that, my social life hasn't been exactly what I've expected. In coming here, I had high expectations to meet like minded  and adventurous people, but have yet to find a friend that I “click” with quiet yet. My plans to be an ordinance worker in the Phoenix Temple have depleted due to my limited time in the area and I can't help but feel useless as I have no current calling in my ward. Let’s just say that some expectations weren't quite met.

I have found that life has many  inspiring moments, but is even more chuck full of every other emotion in between. Yes I go to church, study the scriptures, and do my best to be a good person, but when it starts to become a thing that I do just because I know I’m supposed to rather than because I want to, I realize that I not only forget the purpose behind it, but also the joy. You see, there’s something to be said about tackling life with purpose. If we go through life without that one simple principle in mind, we will find ourselves wondering where we went wrong. Life only becomes meaningless when we lose that sense of purpose, and all because we forget where we fit in God’s plan. I have often thought about the plot of a the Christmas classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” In the film, the main character is shown a world that would have been if he had never existed. It is then that he realizes that his life has meaning and limitless opportunities to influence those around him. What if we were all shown a reality where we didn't exist? How would the world be different? One of Satan's greatest lies is convincing the world that their actions, AKA the way they use their agency, doesn't matter, when in reality, it's the ONLY thing that matters. Our agency is the only thing that is truly ours and in turn, it is the only thing we can choose to use. No matter what happens to us or what events God chooses to put in our lives, we determine how we will deal with it. Satan tempts us into thinking that we don't have a purpose and therefore our actions don’t matter.

So, back to the the last previous weeks that I’ve perceived as disappointing. Was it really, or is it just me? Simple, its just me. I have forgotten my purpose one too many times and you can see for yourself where it has led. This weekend has brought wonderful reminders, one of them being that I have need to start conscientiously using my God given gift of agency for good. I may only be an intern, but by golly, I can be the best one that facility has ever seen. I may not be an eloquent speaker, but I can share my testimony through my actions and let the spirit guide my words when prompted. I may not have a calling, but there are still so many people that I can serve, including those right in front of me. I came here thinking about what I would get out of it, but I want to leave knowing that I instead I focused on what I could do for others. I once heard someone say that to heal the body, we have to look inward, but to heal the soul we have to look outward. Indeed, we find ourselves by loosing ourselves, just like Christ taught us so many years ago.The Lord can make music with a violin, but He can also do wonders with a simple bell. I may only feel like that little bell right now,  but my contribution to the symphony is no less important than anyone else's. The Lord will always need orchestra members, but too often only finds onlookers. My reminders have arrived and my mind is set, now this week, and every week after will be the real test of just how much I took these lessons to heart

Perspective

Our life is like a camera. Reality will always be the same, but the way we perceive it totally depends on what lens we’re looking through. We can each be standing in the same scenery, yet capture and experience it so differently. Some see life in black and white with poor image quality and a tad too little exposure. Their life reflects their image. There are also those that see it through the highly technical and beautifully focused lens of a DSLR professional camera. For them, their image is high quality and and reflects the beauty and reality of the moment. Looking at life this way caused me to reflect on how I see the world. Is it dull or beautiful, well lit or underexposed? Do I attempt to edit and photoshop my life to make it look better so that my friends are impressed, or am I willing to share things as they truly are?

This week I have been helping my dad prepare his presentation for an Annual BYU Accounting Conference coming up. Turns out, its actually kind of a big deal. My growing up experiences were a little out of the ordinary and people seem to be taking notice. He was asked to speak on following your passion, despite being something as ordinary as an accountant. Putting together photos and doing interviews has helped me to reflect on all of the wonderful memories of those days we spent sailing through the Caribbean, but it has also brought back memories of hard times like being seasick or almost sinking off the coast of Cuba. It’s easy to look back on life and see how great it was, but even harder than remembering the good, is being willing to see it as it truly was. The point is, our minds have never and will never capture and remember life as it really is. Even a something as detailed as a photo whos purpose is to capture a moment is easily influenced by camera quality or editing. Sometimes we even go as far as to think that our future will be exactly how we picture it, like we can do that or something. What about the now? How has our past affected us, and how will our present affect our future?

In my Old Testament class, we’ve been studying about the children of Israel. What could’ve been a year long journey turned out to be 40 due to one simple thing-perspective. In one chapter it describes how the Israelites murmured and complained day after day about how it would have been better to stay in Egypt because at least they had the luxuries fresh produce and meat. They remembered Egypt alright, but half of their photo was missing. They forgot that they had lived hundreds of years as slaves to a man and people who treated them like animals. They forgot that they didn’t have the right worship how and who they wanted. They forgot that their days were spent making bricks and building temples for a God they didn’t even believe it, Yet, they remembered how great the produce was. You see, our perception isn’t reality at all. We have a tendency of either only remembering the good or the bad in our past, but hardly ever do we perceive and remember it as it truly was.

Why would this be so important? So what? Well, no matter how much we may deny it, the way we choose to look at our past is affecting our present. Like the Israelites, we may get so focused on the  good things in our past, that we let the comparison diminish the beauty of the present. I’m not suggesting that we dig up any deep dark memories for the sake of painting an unflawed picture of your past, but what I am suggesting is that we learn and move on from it. What is done is done. Yes, we had good and bad days, but today is worth living too. We can not change what happened, but we can choose what we will do with the the only thing we can control, and that’s us. Learn from the past, embrace it. Take the good and the bad and make your present and future worth living.

Too often we see other’s pictures of life and wish we had their beauty and color, all while forgetting to look at the color and skill in your own. They may have a gorgeous sunset photo, but yours may feature a happy family, something that the other never had. I’m grateful for the gospel and that it reminds me to be grateful for how far I’ve come, what I have and who I am am now, and last but not least, where I want to go. I know that as we live in a spirit of gratitude and focus on the present that we can find true happiness.

We are More Alike than Different

An overwhelming sense of peace swept through my entire body as I bowed my head, leaned my forehead into rock and began to pray. With time, the rough stone had been smoothed and polished by the hands, foreheads and tears that had regularly touched its surface. I knew this was a sacred place for the hundreds of Jews who came here to pray every day, but little did I know that it would become sacred in my heart as well. This wall had a story, one that no historian or geological excavation would ever be able to tell, but who’s evidence lies in the unmistakable feeling of holiness that permeated the site. I opened my eyes, but stood just a while longer. My gaze was drawn to the hundreds of tiny written prayers that people had so remarkably managed to squeeze into every crack and crevice of the wall. At that moment, I realized that God was just as willing to hear and answer each one of those prayers as He was mine.

No city in the world has as much religious and historical significance as Jerusalem. Even to this day, it is here that 4 separate and very different religions lay claim to each quarter of the city. To each of them, this city is a Holy place, all for different reasons, but holy none the less. For the Muslims, it is the Dome of the Rock and surrounding valleys. For the Jews, it is the Western Wall and temple mount where the Dome of the rock now stands, but where the temple of Herod once stood. For the Christians, it is the Tomb or the Holy Sepulcher, Mount of Olives, and Golgotha among many others. So, who is right? Well, they all are. In a world with so many beliefs and religions, I’m so incredibly grateful for the knowledge of the restored gospel. However, I’m also grateful for the many men and women of differing faiths that teach me how to better live my own. Someone once explained it to me as “Holy Envy,” a term to describe what one admires about the practices of other faiths. Before sunrise every morning, I would wake to the ‘call to prayer’ being played over the loud speakers. When I heard it, I knew that hundreds of Muslims were rolling out of bed to say the first of their 5 daily prayers. All tired, yet willing. In the streets, I would pass family after family, all dressed their best carrying woven palm fronds on the way to celebrate Sukkot, the Jewish Feast of the Tabernacle. Each of these people, though they showed it in different ways, displayed an unwavering and praiseworthy dedication to what they know to be true. Day in and day out, they not only participate in the events that accompany their religion, they wholeheartedly live it. They are all “right” because they all live their lives according to what they know to be true. I believe that God recognizes the faith and dedication displayed by his children, even if it’s in a different form than mine. He is an all knowing and all loving God that will bless each of his children according to their faithfulness and knowledge.

People tend to see outward appearances as a reflection of the differences of each human being, but when it comes down to it, we are all more alike than different. We all yearn for happiness, purpose and direction in life. We are all imperfect, yet trying. The world will be that much better when each of us come to learn this for ourselves.

What does my future hold?

It's been interesting to see how little by little God has lead me on the path that He wants me to take. As of right now, my plans are to finish my internship, during which I hope to serve in the refugee communities of Pheonix and serve in the Temple. By January 2018 I would have completed my degree and taken my liscenture exam for PTA, after which I plan to save up for the coming year by working on my parents sailboat until they set sail or other opportunities present themselves. If they do end up sailing, I want to go with them and help rebuild in the Caribbean. The rest of the year will be spent doing service projects in the various communities I visit. I may even start a travel blog to help promote ways to enjoy travel while giving back. I hope to one day sail or travel full time doing various projects throughout the world. Who knows? Make a plan and let God change it. He always does, but it's always for the better. If I stay close to the Spirit, do my part and exercise my faith, I know that God will provide the time, means, people, and opportunities that I seek.

Looking back, I realize just how many events and people have been put in my path to influence me. The decision to serve a mission ultimately led to one of the most life changing experiences of my life. Through it my ability to confidently socialize, interact and inquire was magnified and the many service opportunities it provided sparked a desire for lifelong service. I returned with a deeper understanding of what leads to true happiness and an awareness of the overwhelming needs in the world around me. The idea of service oriented travel came up several years back. I've always wanted to do a humanitarian trip but never did due to the costs and overwhelming number of possibilities. The desire to help was magnified following the start of the refugee crisis and subsequent awareness of it given in General Conference. From there, my visit to the the Logan Muslim center sparked a new interest and drive to pursue the issue. In August, our trip to the Keys was met with an unexpected crew member from Idaho who's dreams included sailing the seas full time while doing service in all of the places he stopped. Although we weren't a thing, his dream quickly became my dream. Long before that, while trying to figure out a way to make sailing in the Bahamas and South Pacific more meaningful, the idea to use my PTA skills entered my mind. That was subsequently followed by a class visit from a paraplegic who inspired me to get certified in wheelchair maintenance, fitting, and repairs. These skills paired with the space available on our large sailboat would allow me to travel from island to island helping those in remote areas who didn't have the same access to care as those living on the mainland. Opportunities to serve in my ward plus recent destruction from the several hurricanes have also sparked a greater interest and need. Last night, I finally found an organization called All Hands that turned out to be everything I was looking for. I'm so excited!
As of two months ago, all of my plans revolved around me and how I would get the most out of the coming months. No obligations or commitments, just a lot of time and free travel expenses. I'm glad that God turned my sights on a better road, one that would ultimately lead to a path that will bring the happiness and contentment I seek, but through a better means. God has led me this far and I know that He will continue to do so. He has been my number one cheerleader and coach.

My vision for life: Serve all I can in my single years while I have the free time and spend 2018 traveling and volenteering. I want to be an active participant in the community wherever I'm living, serve in my wards to the best of my ability, and most of all I want to teach my kids how to serve. Family vacations will be focused around giving back to the communities we visit and field trips to Mosques and religious centers will be included in their studies. I want to expose my kids to different cultures, religions, and lifestyles, from the books they read to the movies we watch. I want to spark a heart full of curiosity and love for others. I want them to learn to live outside of themselves, while I strive to do the same. One of the greatest gifts a women can give to humanity is a child that contributes to the world around them, makes the world a better place, and desires to give more than they receive. You wouldn't think that children are sensitive to or even care about things like the environment or humanitarian, but growing up I remember how distinctly movies about Ghandi, Mother Toresa, or even your average Joe trying to make a difference had influenced me. The feelings of longing and hope were deep and lasting, and have since played a major part in who I am today.
Amidst the big plans and desires to help those who I feel need it most, has also come reminders that those right in front of me are my first and foremost priority. My Patriarchal blessing states that the regardless of what else I do, the most important responsibilities will be within the walls of my own home. My brothers and sisters are just as important as anyone and I have been called to serve them before anyone else. I've also come to realize that no matter where I am or who I'm with, whether in the slums of South America or a family gathering, the opportunities to serve are endless. You don't have to look very far before you find someone in need of help and love. Also we have to do is find a need a fill it!
I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that God's got my back and will guide me every step of the way.
I pray with all my heart that I find a man that can be my partner in sharing that dream and who has already strived to live his life in the same manner. I was promised that the desires of my heart can be realized as I stay faithful and obedient. That plan is one that will never change, even if everything else does.
I want to note that I din't write any of this as a means to brag or show how "righteous" I feel for what I plan to do or who I want to become. Rather, I've done it as a way of reminding myself of what I desire most and what I want my future to include. I don't want to lose the feelings of hope and excitement I feel or the memories of how I got to this point. This is merely my thoughts put into words that will hopefully be a source of future inspiration and motivation.

Making Plans

“Make a plan and let God change it” A simple line with a complicated application. From an early age, my mother seared it into my stubborn head. Little did I know how well those few simple words would influence my life.

              I’m no stranger to change, in fact I thrive on it. In college I lived in a different apartment every single semester. Every summer break or long weekend was spent hopping from state to state and country to country in search of different scenery. I’ve even ended up in Ecuador on my trip planned for Egypt. I never did get Africa, but I had a heck of a time in South America. However, sometimes even I must admit that change has its dark side too. My dad’s cancer, Hurricane Irma, and two family divorces were never in the picture. All came at a time when I thought I had it all figured out. So, what’s the deal? I got the first part down, didn’t I? And I usually don’t mind the second either. However, when it comes down to it, I’m fine with giving into a change of plans if I can see the immediate benefit, but have a whole lot harder time letting go of the ones I still want.

So why does God have a way of “messing everything up”? Heck, if it’s a good plan shouldn’t God go along with it? I’m doing what’s right, setting goals, and working hard. So why doesn’t He just let me be? Turns out, God cares a lot more about who we become than our own agenda. We were not meant to come and return the same. In fact, He has plans for each of us that at this point we can’t even fathom. Our perspective is limited, and our vision minuscule, but that Father of ours, well thank goodness He doesn’t have the same problem as we do. There is something to be said about having enough faith to go to the Lord to say, “THY will be done.” and actually believing it enough to not only follow through with it, but support it. In my mind, I feel like it’s giving God permission to give me a trial, or some other thing that I don’t feel quite up to. I’ll say it in my prayers alright, but I don’t always completely mean it. That’s why I’m grateful for the Savior. His relationship with the Lord was such that if God asked him to do it, he did it…no questions asked. And not only obediently, but willingly and with complete trust. There is a line in my Patriarchal blessing that talks about how if I lay my life on the altar of the Lord, He will take it and make me into the person I was meant to become. Only recently have I started to understand the significance of that statement. I like to think of Abraham in the Old Testament. He was asked to Sacrifice Isaac, who at that point had already been a God sent miracle. If he gave him up, what would he have left and how would any of the promises made to him be fulfilled? None the less, he did it. He did it because he trusted God more than his own understanding. He did it because He loved God more than anything this mortal world had to offer. I don’t think the moments before killing his son were filled with joy and excitement for what the future had to offer, but I do know that they were moments of faith.  Just as important, is the end of the story. Isaac lived and every blessing promised to Abraham and his posterity was fulfilled. Whatever we are asked, or forced, to give up will be rewarded with something better. If not in this life than the next.

 Each of us will go through our own Abraham-like experiences. I can almost guarantee that we will not be asked to sacrifice a child, but I guarantee that we will be asked to sacrifice our time, our money, our efforts and to some degree or another, our whole hearts. In the temple, I made a promise to do just that. Only time will tell if my prayers, heart, and actions will show it. 

The need for true understanding of this principle has never taken as much precedence in my life as it does now. So many of my previous plans for the coming year were were changed the moment Hurricane Irma made landfall in the British Virgin Islands. Maria finished the job days later. Three weeks ago, our plan was fool proof, solid, and just about as good as you could get. Now? Well I'm afraid there's not much left of them.

           So what's next? Well, I'm going to make a plan. Is it going to change? Yes, yes it is.