It was never about me

This week has brought with it some interesting realizations. Right now, I’m currently half way done with my internship at Mountain View Rehab in Phoenix. I love the people there so much and am learning more than I could have ever hoped for, yet like every internship, it has it’s challenges. Questions like “Do my co workers like me?”, “Am I doing this or that right?”,” How can I improve?”, and “Why can’t i get it right?” bombard my thoughts daily. On top of that, I am studying for a my boards that are coming up in January and am feeling very ill prepared despite my best efforts to study daily. It’s even gotten to the point where all I dream about is physical therapy and test taking. On top of that, my social life hasn't been exactly what I've expected. In coming here, I had high expectations to meet like minded  and adventurous people, but have yet to find a friend that I “click” with quiet yet. My plans to be an ordinance worker in the Phoenix Temple have depleted due to my limited time in the area and I can't help but feel useless as I have no current calling in my ward. Let’s just say that some expectations weren't quite met.

I have found that life has many  inspiring moments, but is even more chuck full of every other emotion in between. Yes I go to church, study the scriptures, and do my best to be a good person, but when it starts to become a thing that I do just because I know I’m supposed to rather than because I want to, I realize that I not only forget the purpose behind it, but also the joy. You see, there’s something to be said about tackling life with purpose. If we go through life without that one simple principle in mind, we will find ourselves wondering where we went wrong. Life only becomes meaningless when we lose that sense of purpose, and all because we forget where we fit in God’s plan. I have often thought about the plot of a the Christmas classic “It’s a Wonderful Life” In the film, the main character is shown a world that would have been if he had never existed. It is then that he realizes that his life has meaning and limitless opportunities to influence those around him. What if we were all shown a reality where we didn't exist? How would the world be different? One of Satan's greatest lies is convincing the world that their actions, AKA the way they use their agency, doesn't matter, when in reality, it's the ONLY thing that matters. Our agency is the only thing that is truly ours and in turn, it is the only thing we can choose to use. No matter what happens to us or what events God chooses to put in our lives, we determine how we will deal with it. Satan tempts us into thinking that we don't have a purpose and therefore our actions don’t matter.

So, back to the the last previous weeks that I’ve perceived as disappointing. Was it really, or is it just me? Simple, its just me. I have forgotten my purpose one too many times and you can see for yourself where it has led. This weekend has brought wonderful reminders, one of them being that I have need to start conscientiously using my God given gift of agency for good. I may only be an intern, but by golly, I can be the best one that facility has ever seen. I may not be an eloquent speaker, but I can share my testimony through my actions and let the spirit guide my words when prompted. I may not have a calling, but there are still so many people that I can serve, including those right in front of me. I came here thinking about what I would get out of it, but I want to leave knowing that I instead I focused on what I could do for others. I once heard someone say that to heal the body, we have to look inward, but to heal the soul we have to look outward. Indeed, we find ourselves by loosing ourselves, just like Christ taught us so many years ago.The Lord can make music with a violin, but He can also do wonders with a simple bell. I may only feel like that little bell right now,  but my contribution to the symphony is no less important than anyone else's. The Lord will always need orchestra members, but too often only finds onlookers. My reminders have arrived and my mind is set, now this week, and every week after will be the real test of just how much I took these lessons to heart

Perspective

Our life is like a camera. Reality will always be the same, but the way we perceive it totally depends on what lens we’re looking through. We can each be standing in the same scenery, yet capture and experience it so differently. Some see life in black and white with poor image quality and a tad too little exposure. Their life reflects their image. There are also those that see it through the highly technical and beautifully focused lens of a DSLR professional camera. For them, their image is high quality and and reflects the beauty and reality of the moment. Looking at life this way caused me to reflect on how I see the world. Is it dull or beautiful, well lit or underexposed? Do I attempt to edit and photoshop my life to make it look better so that my friends are impressed, or am I willing to share things as they truly are?

This week I have been helping my dad prepare his presentation for an Annual BYU Accounting Conference coming up. Turns out, its actually kind of a big deal. My growing up experiences were a little out of the ordinary and people seem to be taking notice. He was asked to speak on following your passion, despite being something as ordinary as an accountant. Putting together photos and doing interviews has helped me to reflect on all of the wonderful memories of those days we spent sailing through the Caribbean, but it has also brought back memories of hard times like being seasick or almost sinking off the coast of Cuba. It’s easy to look back on life and see how great it was, but even harder than remembering the good, is being willing to see it as it truly was. The point is, our minds have never and will never capture and remember life as it really is. Even a something as detailed as a photo whos purpose is to capture a moment is easily influenced by camera quality or editing. Sometimes we even go as far as to think that our future will be exactly how we picture it, like we can do that or something. What about the now? How has our past affected us, and how will our present affect our future?

In my Old Testament class, we’ve been studying about the children of Israel. What could’ve been a year long journey turned out to be 40 due to one simple thing-perspective. In one chapter it describes how the Israelites murmured and complained day after day about how it would have been better to stay in Egypt because at least they had the luxuries fresh produce and meat. They remembered Egypt alright, but half of their photo was missing. They forgot that they had lived hundreds of years as slaves to a man and people who treated them like animals. They forgot that they didn’t have the right worship how and who they wanted. They forgot that their days were spent making bricks and building temples for a God they didn’t even believe it, Yet, they remembered how great the produce was. You see, our perception isn’t reality at all. We have a tendency of either only remembering the good or the bad in our past, but hardly ever do we perceive and remember it as it truly was.

Why would this be so important? So what? Well, no matter how much we may deny it, the way we choose to look at our past is affecting our present. Like the Israelites, we may get so focused on the  good things in our past, that we let the comparison diminish the beauty of the present. I’m not suggesting that we dig up any deep dark memories for the sake of painting an unflawed picture of your past, but what I am suggesting is that we learn and move on from it. What is done is done. Yes, we had good and bad days, but today is worth living too. We can not change what happened, but we can choose what we will do with the the only thing we can control, and that’s us. Learn from the past, embrace it. Take the good and the bad and make your present and future worth living.

Too often we see other’s pictures of life and wish we had their beauty and color, all while forgetting to look at the color and skill in your own. They may have a gorgeous sunset photo, but yours may feature a happy family, something that the other never had. I’m grateful for the gospel and that it reminds me to be grateful for how far I’ve come, what I have and who I am am now, and last but not least, where I want to go. I know that as we live in a spirit of gratitude and focus on the present that we can find true happiness.